you must be lost ..

Ive got a funny boyfriend, great friends, a loving and involved family (if anything a little too involved), a roof over my head, food in my belly, a job that I dont hate, a nice face that can look beautiful. Im not abused neglected or bullied, im not addicted to drinking or drugs, im not in any way disabled or handicapped, i dont have any diseases or disorders, i am not sick. To anybody that sounds like a wonderful life . So why do I feel empty ?

You tell yourself you’re unhappy because of what you dont have. You tell yourself youd be okay, youd be happy once you got it/them. But what happens when you arent happy? When you got what you wanted but you still cant smile a real smile ? What happens when you realize all the things that you thought would make you happy, dont ? My world is falling apart and the things and people that were supposed to fix it are here but they arent doing anything . Piece by piece ill be torn apart by the things and people I loved because I cant walk away, I have nowhere left to go . To say I no longer care about them would be wrong , its not that I don’t its that I can’t . Happiness does not exist, its a uncatchable, a state to be chased and nothing more .

A friend asked me today , what was on my foot . I paused for a moment , trying to think of a reasonable answer , but then said nothing . My heart had stopped . She’d seen the unseeable . What would she say or think ? a few minutes later she caught my eye and asked again while reaching out , trying to touch the marks and show me what she was talking about . Nothing , i once again replied . Getting annoyed she wouldn’t just leave it alone . Did she not understand those were not for her to see ? That i didn’t wanna talk about it or even recognize their existent ? Did she not understand that those were my secrets , lying there ? If she knew what they were hiding, she would never ask , she would never talk to me , never be able to look me in the eye .

He found me. I wasn’t exactly lost, i was running away. I ran as far and fast as i could so that he couldn’t pull me back in and cage my emotions. Make me fall harder than before. I don’t wanna be hurt again, and now he’s found me. He’s found my truths, my secrets. I am lost without him, but I don’t want to be found.

What if it all ended? What if they were too late? What if one day i didn’t wake up? What then? The world goes on, yes. But will anyone miss me? Will anyone regret having not said something? I’d like to think so, but i highly doubt it.